When the GPS instructed me to turn onto “Unnamed Road” I found it odd, but I did not argue. Beyond a sea of asphalt were lights positioned outside of the Woodland Mall, and somewhere inside that edifice of brick and glass was our destination — Distracted Haunted House.
John and I took a few moments to soak in the fall atmosphere and snapped a few photos of the decorations that welcomed guests to this unique haunted attraction. We pulled open a door and entered a half-lit space where we enjoyed some more scenery and photo-ops.
In the near distance, the signage of a well-known sporting goods store glowed red, but mall hours were officially over. We purchased our tickets and made for the line, we passed several empty and shuttered retail spaces as we did so. Although the environment appeared clean and orderly, a disquiet resonated inside my head — one could not deny the distinct evocation of the late great George A. Romero’s Dawn of the Dead.
Distracted was mindful to leave ample space between groups, but the wait was no trouble at all. In fact, it was made quite enjoyable by the talents of the queue line cast — the lanky Bog Witch who towered above those gathered, offered guests an opportunity to stroke her pet raven, a chatty mafioso with a disfigured face, and a smiling creature referred to as The Stranger, who, like the Bog Witch, clattered about on a pair of stilts.
HEAD ON A SWIVEL
What I was must struck by most throughout the trip inside Distracted was just how effectively old school techniques had been utilized. The entirety of the attraction was not only immersive, but claustrophobic and disorienting. An unnerving soundtrack accompanied our every step and it was difficult to maintain a sense of direction while pawing our way through the tight, darkened halls.
Many passages were adorned with various tactile obstacles such as plunging cocoons and springy mannequin torsos that jutted out at odd angles. A series of bridges even cause us to pay special attention to our footwork. In every direction, the nightmare realm offered some horrifying set piece – faces carved in the fashion of jack-o-lanterns, grisly animatronics that twitched and shook. One well-timed werewolf lunged forth and narrowly delivered a furball headbutt from Hell!
Although the scenes were a mishmash of fantasy and reality, the overall aesthetic held firm. The cast was engaged and plentiful as all manner of creeps and creatures assailed us with frequency. One devilish stilt monster coaxed a quality startle, while elsewhere, a giant skeletal warrior brandished a large sword and forced yours truly into a shallow pine box!
We encountered the striking Bog Witch once more, had an awkward encounter with an entity known as the Big Hat Man, and witnessed the aftermath of one strange bloke’s predilection with pumpkin seeds.
The harrowing journey saw us survive a macabre salon. We participated in a surreal puppet show with a bird-beaked lady turned amateur surgeon who cluelessly dabbled in the blood of a lifeless muppet! We even toured a pint-sized pizzeria where one degenerate challenged me to a retro arcade game. As the button-mashing commenced, he displayed both growing amusement and skyrocketing arousal! This man was stricken with some kind of pixel perversion!
Distracted combined the disparate elements essential to any successful haunted attraction, and in doing so authored a welcome return to the fundamentals of this storied industry.
