Archive for dark abyss

A Drift on the Darksyde

Posted in 2014, Darksyde Acres, Review with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2014 by bluefall8

It was growing late on that windswept, rainy Saturday night; cell reception was spotty at best and we had to make a decision which haunt to hit after departing the Corpse Barn Shock Haunt. The original plan had us heading to Shawhaven Haunted Farm in Mason but that attraction was set to close at 11pm and was more than a half hour drive; the Boneyard in Stockbridge was roughly the same distance too but we feared their respective outdoor events may be closed due to the weather.

With all these factors in place the decision was made for us — our friends at Darksyde would be going strong until 12:30am and thus we departed for the dirt roads of Jonesville. When we arrived it was to find that the rain, if anything, had fell even harder in this neck of the woods but the place was aglow with the signature lights that ring the former pig farm. We snagged up our tickets and made for the entrance of the main attraction — The Catacombs and The Rusthole.

THE CATACOMBS & THE RUSTHOLE SEETHE DEATH & DECAY

The queue area has a presence all its own and there we encountered several old friends — the well-fed Dr. Ick and the sultry Lex Lethal. Group by group were swallowed by the darkness and it wasn’t long before it was our turn to descend into The Catacombs.

We were first assailed by a gangly, long-haired, snarling fellow with a mad glint in his eye — I think Dr. Ick had been stealing his lunch because he hungrily stalked us to the entrance of the tombs. The Catacombs itself seemed to be longer than in years past as a variety of undead creatures screamed, scowled and threatened us along the way.

The storied clown area was put to use again although it was missing some familiar faces. Where was the intimidating Bubbles or his rambunctious brother Pickles?! Absent too was their bushy-haired, incestuous mother as well as the boy’s pale-faced, spunky sister with the dynamite body! Indeed, this quartet had set the bar high during previous visits and while the current infestation of clowns were enjoyable in their own right, they’ll need some time to gel as a group before they can aspire to such lofty heights.

And of course it just wouldn’t be a trip to Darksyde without a mention of provocative haunt hotties who sway and gyrate in shadowed recesses. One of the femme fatales had escaped her cage and was found at a very peculiar angle with one leg hooked over the outside of the cage bars. Let us not forget too, Casey the resident pool dancer, who does her thing in the bowels of The Rusthole to the throbbing sounds of quality rock music.

Rating: 3 stars

CAPTAIN KARCASS, LADY CHOP CHOP SHINE BRIGHT ON DARK ABYSS

When we emerged from oppressive dark of The Rusthole it was to find the night even more chilly and wet; so we sought shelter with the damned souls aboard the Dark Abyss.

We found Captain Karcass in rather jovial spirits although his new first mate was rather burly and unfriendly. The good captain did seem a little short on busty wenches this year; perhaps a few had finally succomb to the cocktail of 17th century diseases that Captain Karcass likes to pass around? However, still aboard was the Queen of the Wenches, the ever-present Lady Chop Chop who was as witty, vivacious and dangerous as ever she was.

Other notable instances aboard the Dark Abyss included a camouflaged creature who gave us a proper scare and an encounter with the tall, gaunt man and a mysterious, unnamed wench who threatened to strangle me with some hanging chains. I was able to buy my mates some time to flee when I caught the sea bound harlot off guard and offered to hang myself.

Rating: 2.75 stars

Once the Dark Abyss had docked and we disembarked, several members of my party required a pit stop and so I wandered the Darksyde Carnivale in search of entertainment. There I watched Ringmaster Baiter (that’s pronounced Bat-E-Aye, you degenerates) eat glass and drive a nail into his nasal cavity.

I couldn’t get a steady signal to my phone and had yet to reconnect with my friends, but the hour was growing late so I beat a hasty path for The Catacombs & Rusthole once more. I talked for a few minutes with the young guy at the front of the queue line who mentioned something very strange indeed. He asked me to let him know if I came across an apparition of a man in a bathtub on the third floor of The Rusthole. I didn’t even know there was a second floor of The Rusthole, let alone a third. His story sounded like something out of The Shining or 1408.

Here I was, set to reenter the attraction all on my lonesome armed with a strange ghost story and fresh goosebumps crawling on my flesh. I later paused near the end of The Catacombs when I encountered that crypt dweller Ricter Mortis, another Darksyde mainstay. I told ole Ricter the tale of the specter and he seemed to snicker at my quest to uncover the truth. He soon added that in order to see the bathtub ghost one must first suck the toes of yet another apparition. This was starting to sound like a lot of work to see one dead dude in a bathtub. I never did come across any spirits but the whole story did get my heart racing at bit faster, especially when I was faced with the dark of The Rusthole by myself.

The adverse weather did put something of a damper on the evening and overall Darksyde Acres felt as if it may have been suffering from a few growing pains, but make no mistake this remains a unique outpost on the haunted landscape. There is immense potential for expansion and there has been some talk amongst ownership of turning that potential into a reality in the not too distant future.

There is a dark magnetism that stalks the grounds and permeates the air of Darksyde Acres and its legend has only just begun to ensnare the hearts and minds of all who dare to visit.

Advertisements

Dark Magnetism: Rob Johnson of Darksyde Acres

Posted in Interviews with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 30, 2014 by bluefall8

Founded in 1828 Jonesville, Michigan is not a booming population center. Officially listed  as a village, Jonesville had a total population of 2,258 people at the time of the 2010 United States Census. It would seem on paper to be an abjectly boring place, but the theater of life doesn’t play out on the uniform black and white pages of government documents. A mere glance will not reveal the hidden gem that lies therein; peer a little closer and you’ll find that here is a place that cast a lure into the night and hooked many wayward travelers. Here, there exists a parcel of land, an epicenter of dark magnetism simply known as Darksyde Acres.

Rob Johnson grew up in Detroit, Michigan and it was his love of Halloween that led him to create the special FX and makeup company, BodyBag Entertainment, in 2002. For a period of five years his love and dedication to the holiday spurred a home haunt so wildly popular that it often required the attention of local law enforcement. As fate would have it, Rob would soon field a phone call from an old friend — it was a conversation that would lead him to a pig farm in Jonesville, Michigan.

Since 2008, Rob Johnson and his crew have been building a reputation as one of Michigan’s premier haunted destinations. His team has done this by transforming a former pig farm into an altered reality populated by perverse clowns, witty wenches, and a cabal of vivacious vixens. The experience at Darksyde Acres is fueled by a wanton disregard for the status quo, and indeed it is that attitude that has cast a glow upon Darksyde Acres in a veritable sea of haunted attractions.

logo-2013-02-07

Horrorlust recently conducted an interview with the owner of Darksyde Acres — what follows is the first in a two-part series.

Horrorlust: What motivated or inspired you to get into the haunted attraction industry? How did Darksyde Acres come into existence?

Rob Johnson: I’ve always loved Halloween much like all children; I looked forward to it every year, and would spend months trying to figure out what I would become on that wonderful night. There was an old man in the neighborhood I trick or treated in and every Halloween he would set up a simple homemade casket and passed out candy dressed as a vampire. I looked forward to seeing him every year and couldn’t wait until I was old enough to do the same.

In the same timeframe, there was a Saturday afternoon TV show titled Sir Graves Ghastly and while dressed as a vampire (the real vampires of yesterday, not those glittery, shimmery vampires of today) he would show vintage horror movies with in between campy skits of wacky characters. One of my favorite things he did was an art gallery where the young viewers would send in artwork of monsters; as an aspiring young artist, I would send in my offerings every week, sometimes as many as ten drawings at a time , hoping to see one of my monsters on the show. Persistence paid off and soon my art work had its own 4 drawing scene during the gallery portion of the show. I was in the big time!

I was invited down to the station to meet Sir Graves Ghastly, I practically had to beg my grandfather to take me to the studio and on the big day dressed in my best, I went to meet my hero, who I met however was an actor named Lawson J. Deming dressed in a turtle neck and tweed sports coat. After a quick tour of the set and a few autographs later I was on my way home, saddened by the experience of reality. The awesome sets I had watched for years on Saturday afternoons were nothing more than cardboard cut-outs and the vampire I had idolized was nothing more than an old man in a sports coat. I would like to say that I continued watching the show, but the illusion had been shattered for me. I learned a valuable lesson that day, that I incorporate in everything we do at DarkSyde Acres Haunted House. The lesson? You can create any illusion you want with proper set design and lighting and more so that all characters are to remain in character.

Years flew by and life has a way of sidestepping ones dreams from youth, but I never outgrew my love for Halloween or forgot that old man in the casket, and soon I was creating my very own home haunt. My house was a favorite destination for kids near and far come Halloween night, and everyone said that I should be doing this stuff for real. One year I took the leap and created BodyBag Entertainment, my very own Horror FX company. I focused on realism and detail so as never to have to hear some wise guy saying, “That ain’t real” and soon we were showing at all of the big haunt conventions — Transworld, Hauntcon, Midwest Haunters Convention, where we were regularly told, “You can’t do that”. Apparently we were doing something right; if our work could offend haunted house owners, we were on the right track.

After a few years of doing the shows, I grew tired of all the politics within the industry and wanted to do our own haunted attraction, when as if by design I received a phone call from an old friend wanting to know if I still did that “Halloween stuff”. We hadn’t seen each other in 15 years or so and he had no idea of what I had been doing, other than he used to make fun of me for my love of Halloween. Turns out he had picked up a 40 acre pig farm and everyone told him he should do a haunted house; his thoughts turned to me and DarkSyde Acres was born.

Horrorlust: How did you decide on the nature or type of haunted attractions that would be featured at Darksyde Acres?

Rob Johnson: I always knew that I wanted DarkSyde Acres to be something unlike anything the Haunted House industry had seen before. I wanted to create an illusion that would envelop our guests and transport them into our altered state of reality. From the very start I decided that we would be an actor based type of attraction; animatronics are cool to look at but offer very little in actual scares. A good actor can not only adapt to each group, a live person offers something no animatronic can… the fear of the unknown. I knew in the beginning that I wanted to cater to an older crowd, less typical of most haunted houses and planned on using beautiful girls to distract and disorient our guests. This was influenced by the fact that 99% of horror movies have attractive girls and everyone loves seeing them mutilated. However the slight spin we utilize is that rarely are our girls “victims”. We have a very rare problem at DarkSyde Acres that has never been seen in the haunted house industry, I will dwell on that later in the interview.

Fast forward five years and our original goals have changed to meet the desires of our guests, we created an outdoor family friendly environment to draw in larger crowds. You may not know this but apparently blood, guts, gore and more doesn’t actually appeal to the general market…who knew? The outdoor events consist of a non-scary hayride, a non-scary outdoor maze, the original Zombie paintball, and new in 2013 our DarkSyde Carnivale midway show featuring a bonfire, midway actors, jugglers, fire breathers, a fortune-teller and more. We still continue to push the envelope within the 3 indoor haunted houses, and go even further on our 18 and older nights.

DarkSyde Acres Haunted House has been berated within the industry as nothing more than an over glorified whore house and I was personally accused as single-handedly destroying the haunt industry, and yet what was once frowned upon by all has become a staple within the industry with haunted houses hiring scantily clad models covered in blood to promote their attractions. I heard that you can’t be everything to everybody, and that you can either be extreme or family friendly but we had to find the line and separate the extreme indoor haunts and yet still be able to cater to the family friendly market, and I think we have done a good job with it.

In addition to the outdoor attractions, DarkSyde Acres has also been working on community relations through family friendly events throughout the year geared to the much younger guests, such as our Easter Eggstravaganza and friendly monster days. This past Easter we had our largest crowd ever at DarkSyde, nearly 1,000 guests came to partake in our activities.

Horrorlust: The cast at Darksyde is a rare, twisted assemblage. What qualities do you look for in prospective haunted house actors?

Rob Johnson: We look for different qualities in each actor and shoot to identify and bring out the best in each and every one of them. Some people show up for auditions and are a natural, others show up and struggle through auditions with little to no chance of making into a spot for season. One girl in particular surprised me so much, I would like to share the experience with you. She showed up for the 2011 auditions, looking like Justin Beiber, small , frail, quiet as a mouse, unable to perform a single task presented to her. We gave her a shot in the Catacombs Haunted House that opening weekend to see if per chance she would step up her game.

I was doing a security walk thru, the first of the night, following a group through the haunt when we turned the corner to her area, she hit her first scare spot so hard that the guests threw themselves into the wall across the way, then as they scrambled to get away she busted through a hole in the lower wall attacking them on her hands and knees then leapt into the air and smacked into the wall behind them as they turned the corner in their getaway, growling and snarling all the while. It gave me goosebumps to see this little imp of a zombie terrorize group after group all season.

With that said, we look for actors that have initiative, the ability to think on their feet, and comedic traits, due to the fact that you cannot scare everyone, but everyone has the ability to be entertained. During auditions we always ask if there is something that they can do that no one else can. One gentleman proceeded to take out his eyeball, then followed that up by dropping it on the ground and almost losing it in the sewer system, but he wasn’t done yet, he then in turn hit one of our staff with a big stick…weighing the positives with the negatives, he didn’t land a role at DarkSyde, as much fun as it would have been with the gross factor of pulling out his eye and chasing people around with it, the liability of him actually whacking someone with a big stick due to him being legally blind outweighed the novelty of the eyeball pluckage.

The number one thing we ask out of our staff at DarkSyde Acres Haunted House is to RESPECT one another, we treat all of our staff like family and ask them to do the same. To date we have nearly 50 core members of our acting staff, they return year after year and each year accept more and more responsibility to ensure we have a great show. Lets face it, you can build the world’s scariest haunted house, but without good actors it can quickly becomes the world’s lamest haunted house. I’d like to give thanks to our staff at DarkSyde Acres, without them we wouldn’t be here.

Horrorlust: What kind of instruction are the actors given in regard to interaction with guests?

Rob Johnson: DarkSyde Acres acting staff are giving a wide range of liberty regarding guest interactions. Some actors are limited to their spots and limited interaction is required, most of these actors are new comers, not yet earning their stripes until they prove worthy of a higher spot on the food chain. Some never rise up to the challenge and usually don’t last very long, others stand right up their first year, go above and beyond and become core members their first year, and in turn are allowed to have more interaction with the guests.

All staff are instructed to know their target audience, meaning common sense dictates that you probably aren’t going to treat a family of four with a toddler in one arm and granny in the other the same way you would treat the two teenagers on their first date. During our 18 and older nights, DarkSyde Management is hesitant to enter the haunted house, due to the no questions asked policy, to this date my anal virginity is still intact, primarily because I’m faster than our damn clowns.

Seriously though our staff is trained throughout the year, by the wife of one of the partners at DarkSyde Acres . Katie Lane is a haunt industry superstar, doing multiple seminars within the industry during the year, teaching acting, costuming, basic make-up and more. She has guest acted at many of the top rated haunted attractions across the nation. You will never meet a more sadistic, depraved, twisted individual as sweet as Katie Lane. Above all else our staff knows that the entertainment value is equal to the scare value within the haunt, and if they cannot scare the guests, they make them laugh and the overall mood is one of a good time.

Horrorlust: Old Man Cox is a character featured in much of your social media and advertising; how did he come about?

Rob Johnson: Character recognition is a huge effort at DarkSyde Acres Haunted House. Many of our characters have fan clubs and are a solid staple to the DSA lineup every year. Old Man Cox is a gentleman fashioned after a serial killer by the name of Robert Pickton who murdered prostitutes on his pig farm. One of the original DSA partners last name was Cox, and he could be a bit crotchety at times so I created the red underwear wearing , foul-mouthed, butt farting, combat boot wearing character to honor him. Old Man Cox and his storyline quickly became a crowd favorite, and local legend supports the fact that he was a real person and that the buildings are actually haunted by his victims. To this day many of our staff believe the legend.

Old Man Cox as you may or may not know is quite the ladies man, and has been requested for personal appearances throughout the year for many events, including Bachelorette Parties. It’s sad to say but many a poor groom has been left at the altar after his bride to be ran off with Old Man Cox. Other well-known characters at DarkSyde are Bodybags, our resident maggot infested, brain juice slurping, bone gnawing zombie. Richter Mortis, a rather dapper yet cynical zombie who awaits you in the Catacombs Haunted House with his hoard of zombified minions, and of course there’s our all time favorite — a pole dancing tranny, who brings a whole new meaning to the RustHole Haunted House. Between Tranny and her lineup of cage girls, they keep you guessing and definitely make you wish we’d turn the lights back on. The Dark Abyss is stuffed full of icon characters as well, as it was designed to be our premiere attraction and one not to be forgotten. From Captain Carcass to Lady ChopChop, the Dark Abyss is full of personality.

Creating recognizable characters helps build a personal relationship between the staff and guests. Many of our guests come back year after year just to see their favorite character and interact with them.

The second part of the interview with Rob Johnson will be posted next Friday.

Friday the 13th at Darksyde Acres

Posted in 2013, Darksyde Acres, Review with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 21, 2013 by bluefall8

It’s no secret to the readers of Horrorlust what kind of show you can expect from the cast of Darksyde Acres; over the past two years I’ve written reviews that detailed zany characters and preposterous scenes tantamount to haunt legend. It’s truly a unique frequency on the haunted spectrum, one any thrill seeker would be foolish to ignore. Tucked away in scarcely populated Hillsdale County, on a dirt road in Jonesville, Michigan there is a former pig farm poised to empty your bowels.

CATACOMBS & RUSTHOLE FORM FORMIDABLE DUO

The queue area is interesting and expansive and as always featured a hodge podge of macabre scenery. The burly Dr. Ickk spoke to us about his love for the dead…well mostly his love for dead girls and boy did this guy have a lot of uses for a dead girl. Meanwhile a pair of haunt hotties made threats of sinister showers as they bobbed throughout the line, there was even a mention of an oven. The chatter was as tasteless as it was tantalizing. Elsewhere a proud mother stood with her newborn baby, Char — and I do mean newborn. Mother’s dress was stained with blood, in fact the umbilical cord still connected mother to child!

As it was opening night we were not made to wait long to enter the haunted attraction which is a good thing of course but I do wonder what the queue area must look like when Darksyde Acres is abuzz with a crush of guests. We have failed to visit this location during the peak of the haunt season — in 2011 we stopped by in early October and then the last night of operation in 2012; of course this season it was opening night. If time and the haunt fates should permit, I would very much like to return when Darksyde Acres is positively rip roaring.

The costuming and make-up are two aspects of Darksyde Acres that are excellent — the ghouls and goblins sported everything from vibrant contacts and rotten teeth to wild hair and dingy clothing. The Catacombs housed numerous creepy crawlers, some mocked while others snarled. One unkempt lass informed us that she hadn’t had her shots but expressed an interest in dry humping all the same, deeper into the earthen tomb a skeletal figure dubbed me Giggleshorts after we shared a laugh.

It wasn’t long after I’d earned my new nickname that we met Humpy the Clown and his pet beaver which he implored us to stroke…and we did. Hey, don’t judge us! When the pale-faced ones at Darksyde ask you to do something it has been my experience that it’s best to simply comply. You wouldn’t want to upset them! After we had petted Humpy’s furry friend we entered a door to our right into a room that contained Humpy’s kin. A harlequin hottie skipped silently through the room while the ever rambunctious Pickles let fly a perverted stream of consciousness diatribe. He and his sister seemed to have some unfinished business as the pair squared off as if ready to do battle. Just as we thought a brawl would erupt Pickles lunged at dear ole sis and began using her ample breasts as bongos. He was of course greatly amused with his antics until Humpy entered, approached Pickles from behind and bent him over — that’s when Pickles nearly hit the roof, shouting as he was with glee. He’s a tough one to figure that Pickles.

The Rusthole is as dark and difficult to navigate as ever it was, but it’s here that I feel the haunt could really amp up the scare factor with live actors or perhaps even some tactile effects. This area did however feature several caged vixens who swayed to the delight of many to be sure, it’s also the home of Darksyde Acres professional pole dancer. Yep, they have one of those.

There were a few design changes made to the path this year, perhaps most notable was my personal favorite that utilized a casket for a doorway. There’s still a ton of room to expand here which means that Darksyde Acres is positively brimming with further haunted potential. The actors I’ve noted throughout this review were very good, some of them were even great but there were a few who left something to be desired. As it was opening night that is to be expected, it takes time to shake off those cobwebs and hone that special energy that fuels the haunt season.

Rating: 3 stars

BUSTY, LUSTY WENCHES NEVER BETTER

The Dark Abyss was very well themed, detailed, and well stocked with a cursed crew. We enjoyed some banter with a pair of foliage draped sailors who were found swatting a tethered head to and fro. The duo took a liking to us; indeed they seemed to have a distinct preference for boys in general. They expressed great interest in a game of pink sock. There was also a gangly, imposing fellow who accosted us near the end of the ship who made for a memorable sight.

However, without a doubt the stars of this vicious vessel were the buxom wenches. This gaggle of sultry sirens displayed a touch of bi-polar disorder, flirtatious one moment and then woman scorned the next. The unquestioned leader of the pack is one Lady Chop Chop and this gal meant business. Armed with a meat cleaver she made her wants and desires well known. She often insisted on a game of find-the-bone and when she wasn’t doing that she dared wayward travelers to reach into her honey pot or crow’s nest. Lady Chop Chop was never at loss for a euphemism and loved to engage in word play, her high pitched cackle could be heard throughout the Dark Abyss. She went from sexy to enraged and back again in the same sentence and was truly one of the best characters we’ve come across in all our haunted travels.

Rating: 3 stars

When we had exited the Dark Abyss we wandered over to the midway area where the Darksyde Carnivale had taken up residence for the season. We witnessed a display of sword juggling and fire breathing, and who doesn’t enjoy that sort of thing? As I understand it the midway will also feature a block head, fortune teller, sideshow freaks, and hoopers throughout the haunt season. We also had a chance to meet the owner of Darksyde Acres, Rob Johnson. He was a friendly and hospitable host who even turned us on to a nearby attraction, Ladd’s Evil Acres.

2012 Star Ratings

Posted in Star Ratings with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 22, 2013 by bluefall8

For each haunted attraction I visit a 1-5 star rating is ascribed. This list is intended to reflect those ratings only and does not indicate any other type of rank such as favorite to least favorite. Nor is the star ratings system meant to pit one attraction against another it’s just my way of summing up the overall effectiveness and enjoyability of that particular haunted attraction.  A lot of factors are taken into consideration when I determine the rating such as — actor performance, theme, quality of props and special effects, originality, and level of excitement — just to name a few but at the end of the night the rating comes down to my raw gut feeling of the overall experience. Below is a complete list of the haunted attractions I visited during the 2012 Halloween season ranked by their corresponding star rating. Again, it’s important to note that the star rating isn’t meant to serve as a way to compare one attraction to another rather it’s a reflection of how well each individual haunt executed what it set out to accomplish.

2012 Star Ratings

1. Sinister – 4.75 (Utica, MI.)

2. Slaughter House – 4.5 (Slaughter House Adventure – Fowlerville, MI.)

3. The Rusthole & Catacombs – 4.25 (Darksyde Acres – Jonesville, MI.)

4. Blood Bath & Beyond Hayride – 4.25 (Slaughter House Adventure – Fowlerville, MI.)

5. Exit 13 – 4 (Mt. Morris, MI.)

6. Bloodview – 3.75 (Broadview Heights, OH.)

7. Dark Abyss – 3.5 (Darksyde Acres – Jonesville, MI.)

8. Dimensions of Darkness – 3.5 (Maumee, OH.)

9. Krazy Hilda’s Camp of no Return – 3.5 (Chelsea, MI.)

10. Haunted Laboratory – 3.5 (Akron, OH.)

11. Barn of Horrors – 3.5 (Erwin Orchards – South Lyon, MI.)

12. Hayride of Doom – 3.5 (Scarefest Scream Park – New Haven, MI.)

13. Haunted Schoolhouse – 3.25 (Akron, OH.)

14. Big Top Terror – 3 (Terror Town – Maumee, OH.)

15. House of the Dead – 3 (Terror Town – Maumee, OH.)

16. Haunt for Hunger – 3 (Allen Park, MI.)

17. Deadly Intentions – 3 (Warren, MI.)

18. Corn Stalkers Maze – 3 (Erwin Orchards – South Lyon, MI.)

19. Castle of the Dead – 2.75 (Scarefest Scream Park – New Haven, MI.)

20. Scream Machine – 2.25 (Taylor, MI.)

21. Nightmare Sanctum – 2.25 (Wyandotte, MI.)

22. A Nightmare on Elm Road – 2 (Webberville, MI.)

Average Rating – 3.36 Stars

Haunt Season hits 13th Hour at Darksyde Acres

Posted in Preludes and Nocturnes with tags , , , , , , , , on November 3, 2012 by bluefall8

Tonight — John, Richard, Cikalo, and I will venture to Darksyde Acres in Jonesville, Michigan where a twisted breed waits to deliver the final scares of the 2012 haunt season. For John and I, it is a return to a truly unique location that zapped our minds and thrilled our bodies last year during our maiden voyage. No night is an ordinary night at Darksyde Acres but tonight will be especially interesting, for one night only, the salacious and sexy deadites that populate every corner of the former pig farm are set to pull out all the stops for an 18+ night of all out debauchery. We’ll experience the Rusthole and the Catacombs as well as Dark Abyss. In addition we’ll tour the haunted maze, The Labyrinth. It’s a fitting end in so many ways to what’s been an interesting and lengthy haunt season — it  all concludes tonight when the clocks roll back.

Happy Haunting.

2011 Star Ratings

Posted in Star Ratings with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 14, 2012 by bluefall8

As my small but faithful group of readers know I write a review for each haunt that I visit during the fall. In addition to that at the end of the review I assign the attraction a 1-5 star rating. It’s just my way of summing up the overall effectiveness/enjoyability of that particular haunted attraction. I take a lot of factors into consideration when I determine the rating things like — actors, theme, props, special effects, originality, and level of excitement — just to name a few but at the end of the night the rating comes down to my raw gut feeling for the overall experience. Below is a complete list of the haunted attractions I visited during the 2011 Halloween season ranked by their corresponding star rating. It’s important to note that the star rating isn’t meant to serve as a way to compare one attraction to another rather it’s a reflection of how well each individual haunt executed what it set out to accomplish.

A quick aside before we get to all those goodies though — once more I’ve had a dream about haunted attractions and the beloved Fear Finder. In this dream I was riding around Lincoln Park in a car with my dad and my two sisters when I suddenly realized that it was Halloween. I began to sweat knowing that I hadn’t yet participated in any seasonal activities and then I reached a full blown panic when it dawned on me that it wasn’t just October 31 but also kids were out trick r’ treating! My sisters were dropped off at a friend’s house or something else similarly boring. I apparently was going to do something with my dad (unrelated to Halloween) and that simply could not stand. My dad tried to calm me down but his words mattered not! How in the blue hell had I forgotten about Halloween?! I opened the door to the car, jumped from the vehicle, and ran into the night in search of Halloween fun.

Next thing I knew I had entered the lobby of a haunt which was strangely situated on the grassy median of what seemed to be Electric Street. I found a stack of Fear Finder and greedily thumbed through one to see what haunts I could possibly hit. I quickly decided their was no time for such planning, I would merely run about feverishly looking for the next available haunt once I’d finished at my current location. On the cover of the Fear Finder was a depiction of a hooded character similar to Ghostface from Scream. The hooded phantom had strings attached to its’ fingers as if it were puppeteering the letters that comprised the phrase ‘Fear Finder’ below. The background of the cover was strikingly designed as stained glass windows; all things considered I think something in this vein would make a pretty damn cool cover for the actual Fear Finder.

Suddenly I was joined by my fellow haunters, John and Jason but before we could enter the attraction I wandered into a bathroom. The walls separating the stalls were comically short and in no way provided a sense of privacy. The stall next to me was completely filthy with feces and toilet paper spilling over the sides of the porcelain throne. I ignored the mess and began to urinate and then I noticed a large window in front of me. I peered out the window and discovered the turret of a castle mere yards from my current position. I took it to be a second haunted attraction and for the first time in this dream I started to feel as if I could salvage the night. I was brought out of my reverie by the arrival of my cohorts and a man I assumed ran the haunted attraction. He made some comment about the filthy stall next to me and then proceeded to jam his hands into the disgusting mess. He yanked a jagged block of ice out of toilet — excrement and used toilet paper jutted out at odd angles. As John and Jason stood by watching the man then acted as if he was going to heave frozen fecal bomb in my direction. After a few moments of  anger and disgust the man relented and began to laugh, turned out that the turdsicle was merely a prank he used to rile up haunters. An odd and tasteless tactic perhaps but now I was excited to see what this haunt had to offer to its customers.

However, as is the case with cool dreams, that’s when I woke up. Does anybody find it strange that as a grown man I’m having a recurring nightmare about missing out on the haunt season? What an awful prospect that would be!

2011 STAR RATINGS

Krazy Hilda’s Barn of Doom – 4.25 (Saline, MI.)

The Catacombs/Rusthole – 4 (Darksyde Acres/Jonesville, MI.)

Chelsea Feargrounds – 4 (Chelsea, MI.)

Tent of Terror – 4 (The Boneyard/Stockbridge, MI.)

13 Feet Under – 4 (Grand Blanc, MI.)

The Haunting – 3.75 (Adrian, MI.)

The Deadland – 3.75 (Warren, MI.)

House of the Dead – 3.75 (Terror Town/Maumee, OH.)

St. Lucifer’s Haunted Asylum – 3.75 (Grand Blanc, MI.)

The Crypt – 3.75 (Burton, MI.)

Realm of Haunted Minds – 3.25 (Romulus, MI.)

The Dark Abyss – 3.25 (Darksyde Acres/Jonesville, MI.)

Scarecrow Hollow – 3 (The Boneyard/Stockbridge, MI.)

Barn of Blood -3 (New Boston, MI.)

Scream Machine – 2.75 (Taylor, MI.)

Deadwood Forest – 2.75 (The Boneyard/Stockbridge, MI.)

Papp Park Trailer – 2.75 (Taylor, MI.)

The Funeral Home – 2.5 (Inkster, MI.)

Woods of Darkness – 2.25 (South Rockwood, MI.)

Lockdown – 2.25 (Wyandotte, MI.)

Papp Park Hayride – 2.25 (Taylor, MI.)

Big Top Terror – 1.5 (Terror Town/Maumee, OH.)

Anxiety Alley – 1 (Lincoln Park, MI.)

The Haunting Redeemed, Darksyde Discovered

Posted in 2011, Darksyde Acres, Review, The Haunting with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 11, 2011 by bluefall8

Just as so many October adventures had thrilled us before so too did the excursions of this past weekend. The events of this past weekend will surely go on to live in Haunt Trinity lore for seasons to come, and just as well because many a memorable moment was made. The haunt season never truly begins until we’ve traveled at least a couple of county lines from home. Journey with us then, won’t you? As we gather around this hallowed hearth to share titillating tales full of deliciously macabre monstrosities.

A TRIP FOUR YEARS IN THE MAKING

It simply wouldn’t be a haunt outing if Jason didn’t find a way to complicate matters and while last weekend may not have been his finest effort at such it was certainly notable. But I don’t hold it against him really — after all he is my brother, my original haunt partner stretching all the way back to our youth when we enjoyed stuffing old clothes full of dead leaves in order to make dummies. We departed Monroe at approximately 8:20 p.m. and arrived at The Haunting in Adrian nearly an hour later. We had first visited The Haunting some four years prior and came away from that experience harboring disappointment, but we wanted to give the show a fair shake so a return trip was in order (We actually intended to return here in 2009 but Jason’s prior mentioned shenanigans derailed the trip. We planned a similar trip last year but it too fell to the wayside. I simply let you guess why.) We’d finally returned — Jason, John, and I accompanied also by Amanda McCreary who transformed our typical trio into a quartet. Amanda last went haunting with us during the 2007 season, a night in which she braved The Scream Machine and The Lab.

The grounds were eerily deserted when we arrived, the scene instantly reminded me of our visit four seasons earlier. But there was something different in the air this time and I held firmly to my conviction that The Haunting would be vindicated. We headed for the ticket window and paid a meager $5 (the haunt usually costs $10 but a coupon from The Haunting website, coupled with a canned good donation will net you a $5 discount). It was clear that the operators had majorly overhauled the waiting area and as we would find out shortly half of the haunt was themed in the familiar 3D paint while the back half bore more of a resemblance to a classic haunted attraction. I’ll spare you the suspense just this one time dear readers and tell you outright that The Haunting did not disappoint a second time.

What we experienced was a balanced presentation built on the tried and true fundamentals of haunting. The pace of the attraction was ideal, surprises were well disguised, and the cast delivered a solid, theatrical performance. Attention to detail has been paid to the placement of props – all throughout the labyrinthine structure dark halls and corners are dotted with convincing dummies, effectively keeping haunters on edge. As I mentioned earlier the first half of the haunted house features glowing paint, an element arguably enhanced by the use of 3D glasses; personally I don’t find the glasses necessary. I enjoyed the glow of these areas as well as the beautifully dark works of art peering out from the walls.

I’d be remiss if I failed to mention the neat trick employed near the beginning of the attraction. A giggling ghoul shepherded our party into a small room and closed the door behind us, a pair of vampire busts on either side of the door near the ceiling issued some sort of a chant. When the door opened the room we had previously occupied had radically changed. The room we initially entered was a basic, back square featuring no props or decorations. What now stood before us was a long, glowing hallway. It’s a technique the creators at The Haunting refer to as the vanishing room. We’ve witnessed similar gags before — The Scream Machine for instance uses the same technique when guests exit the Hellivator – but never has it pulled off better than at The Haunting.

The second half of the haunted house, referred to as The Darkness, began when our party was confronted by a tall, rotund ghoul who collected our 3D glasses. He bore a resemblance to Uncle Fester from The Addams Family and after collecting the glasses began asking us if we were, “…prepared to enter the darkness.” He spoke in a whisper and when satisfied that we were indeed ready to brave the darkness ahead, he allowed us entry. He revealed his true intentions however when he banged his fist on the wall and loudly announced our arrival to his dead brothers and sisters. It was this act that caused me to dub him Fester the Turncoat Bastard.

Shortly after entering The Darkness we came to a wonderfully lit hallway illuminated by a green laser which cast a majestic series of dancing points of light across our bodies and throughout the air. Our interaction with Fester set the tone for the remaining of the haunt as we came across several other actors – all in effective face paint – who delivered worthy performances. Among my personal favorites was an angry, twitchy girl, a stocky zombie who issued an unsettling, air sucking howl, and a hobo who requested change in exchange for access to a secret door.

I stated from the onset that The Haunting did not disappoint as it did back in 2007 and I stand by that statement. What we witnessed here last weekend was nothing short of a quality attraction steeped in the fundamentals of haunting.

Rating: 3.75 stars

BOONDOCKS HAUNT WILL SHOCK AND SURPRISE

A fog crept over the countryside as we headed for Jonesville, a countryside dotted with looming barns, decrepit farm houses, and Victorian estates. It was quiet and nearly deserted when we arrived at Darksyde Acres, a former pig farm. Outwardly it may have appeared docile but within its bowels all manner of creatures lurked both beautiful and hideous, deranged and merry. Darksyde Acres boasts three attractions — The Catacombs, Rusthole, and The Dark Abyss; the first two run concurrently. We purchased our tickets, were told to follow a row of colorful, blinking lights, and warned of the anal trauma ahead. We made a porta-potty pit stop at the entrance of the first haunt, when McCreary opened the door a blood stained, saber toothed, man-sized rabbit leaped from the latrine. Darksyde had used a gag I’d long sought to witness even before we entered the attraction; I already liked the place.

A tall, portly Elvis impersonator welcomed us into the haunt, before us was a winding queue area with small but numerous scenes on either side. We walked down a center path until a deliciously devilish voice informed us that we were going the wrong way. We turned toward the voice — a scantily clad haunt vixen! My eyes may have popped out of my head whilst steam shot from my ears. Beside me John’s jaw dropped to the floor and his tongue rolled cartoonishly from his mouth. There’s definitely a chance that Jason begun removing his pants. Even McCreary was momentarily stunned by the brazen hotness of it all. The dark temptress corrected our path and was soon joined by a second femme fatale. The duo scampered off at times only to reappear and make sexual remarks or would otherwise be found in erotic poses with props. Jason wondered aloud if perhaps we hadn’t crossed over into some sort of blissful haunt afterlife. Such reveries were interrupted briefly when a dainty young man in a dress beckoned us closer and flashed us his nipples, he would later attempt to kiss Jason. Such shenanigans were salacious and attention grabbing and set the stage well for what was to follow. We approached the end of the queue line and came to rest on the threshold of the haunt, the Disco Devil and I took the first shift.

The approach at Darksyde Acres is intense, raunchy, and rare. Guests will not be wowed by flashy animatronics nor can this be accurately called a haunted attraction in the traditional sense, this is something different. Many of the actors are a wild, twisted breed, perhaps the best example of this is a pair of clowns respectively named Bubbles and Pickles. Pickles is a frenzied ball of energy and as horny as a toad, he lovingly spoke of rape and begged that we allow him to grab our backsides. When we obliged Pickles’ excitement grew tenfold an he implored that we return the favor which I thought was only fair. The stimulus propelled Pickles into a crazed euphoria, he whooped and giggled uncontrollably and quite literally bounced from one wall to the next. For an instant I thought perhaps my long time friend Stu was behind the make up. Bubbles in contrast had a more purely sinister nature although even he had a penchant for comedy which was revealed during a conversation about his rumored polka-dotted phallus.

As we traveled deeper into the attraction we traversed crypts, graveyards, and absolute darkness. A steady stream of heavy metal flooded our ears and at one point I was pleased to hear the circus inspired sound of Creature Feature. We were assailed by zombies, demons, and hot, dead girls. You read that correctly — hot, dead girls! Smoking deadites appeared behind bars equipped with stripper moves and it was in a word, mesmerizing. One particular scene even involved a stripper pole and some fancy moves, but that as we would later find out was a cruel illusion.

Rating: 4 stars

A short walk separates the attractions, the final of which is themed after an old pirate ship — The Dark Abyss. Here, Captain Karcass and his crew have been bound for some 300 years and as you might imagine they’re typically eager to add new souls to their league of damned, but on this night they were mostly jovial — a bit sarcastic perhaps but on the whole in good spirits. Captain Karcass delighted us with some witty banter before he sent us on our way through halls full of lusty wenches, decomposing bodies, and malevolent mariners. The ship was elaborately detailed, highlighted by a hallway of askew mirrors and one room full of dead pirates and treasure. The attraction even had a peculiar smell, a hint of bonfire and something else that was strangely familiar yet elusive.

Rating: 3.25 stars

Locations such as Darksyde Acres are the reason we continue to visit haunted attractions. The actors delivered a nearly flawless performance displaying superb interaction, effective vocalizations, and creative improvisation. The recurring threat of anal trauma is emphasized well first by the howling harlequins and then by the angst ridden Cain who dwells in the dank recesses of The Rusthole. Darksyde Acres features a good mix of dark passages, immersive scenes, and surreal strangeness — oh yeah the half naked girls don’t hurt either. In my opinion this secluded homestead of horror is worth the drive from anywhere in the Metro-Detroit area.