Clio Manor has been in operation for only a few short seasons but it was evident from our trip last fall that the gang here has made great strides in that time. Located in the back of a large building, Clio Manor thrilled us with memorable characters versed in horror and comedy alike who populated a myriad of richly detailed and interactive scenes. The journey spanned two levels, was thoughtfully paced and offered over 20 minutes of heart-pounding haunt goodness!
The fun began when we were regaled with a theatrical and comedic introduction by a man in dapper attire who called himself, Blot. He was a stringy, agile type who was skilled in many tricks of the trade; something about him put me in mind of Riff Raff from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. When he had finished with the house rules and other pleasantries, Blot led us to the top of a staircase and bade us farewell but not before he dropped a rather ominous and vague reference to someone named Roxanne.
Alone in the dark, John, Steve and I started down a hallway but were quickly intercepted by a curious fellow dressed in basic street clothes. There was something off about his demeanor, something foreboding. He communicated with us through a combination of eye movement and hand gestures. A few tense moments passed in confusion but then Steve correctly surmised that our new acquaintance had had his tongue removed; presumably cut out by the mysterious and seemingly violent, Roxanne.
Our mute friend guided us to another room where we encountered a fireman with an ax stuck firmly into the center of his chest. He said that he had been called there to suppress a fire when a crazy lady had waylaid him with the weapon. My money was on Roxanne, who definitely seemed to be on a roll. Beyond our help, I advised the fireman to accept his fate and die peacefully. In turn, he dutifully directed us through a hole in the wall.
We emerged on the other side into a series of would-be homey rooms save for the gore and gaggle of crazies who accosted us at every turn. In one room a randy temptress tried to lure us onto her bed which was occupied by the body of her former lover, some poor bastard named Sammy. The temptress shamelessly mounted the corpse and began to grind her hips. I attempted to convince John to lie on the mattress but to no avail, meanwhile Sammy was stiff for all the wrong reasons.
Next, we were introduced to Clownie the Clown a decidedly oddball character who seemed the optimal cross-section of effeminate and autistic — if you can imagine such a thing. The end result was a bizarre but likable character who told bad jokes, asked us to play with his toy box (I’m pretty sure that was a euphemism) and invited us to walk down something he called “the acid brick road.” Yeah, Clownie was weird. No sooner had Clownie left us in a room full of toys when an overgrown Teddy Bear launched itself at us from a pile of stuffed animals. It unleashed a gurgled snarl that seemed one-part aggressive, one-part aroused and then began to paw at us in a very friendly fashion.
Free from those pervy clutches we pushed deeper into Clio Manor. A darkly attractive girl was spotted ahead but she dashed off at first sight and quickly crawled beneath a bed. She soon reemerged and revealed that it was she who had dealt the deathblow to the fireman. Who would’ve thought that bloodthirsty Roxanne would be so alluring? With no weapon currently in her possession, we used the opportunity to escape unscathed.
We bobbed and weaved in and out of several scenes and then descended a staircase back to the main level of the edifice. There we meet a sweet, but creepy girl who had an affinity for human ears; she kept them pickled in jars. She even recounted her experience with a recent victim named Suzie and then introduced us to her pet, a dog-man named Sid. Sid tickled my chin and then forced John to pass a couple of playful tests before he allowed us to proceed. A few minutes later an unseen assailant tickled my ribs and then copped a cheap feel of my chest. I suspect Sid had tracked our scent.
Near the end of the attraction we witnessed an excellent diminishing point vortex which was used to maximum effect when coupled with a jump scare. The punk who delivered the surprise then warned us of someone known as The Harvester, and that’s just not the name of anybody you ever want to meet. Any thoughts of sidestepping The Harvester were dashed when we happened upon a series of makeshift cages, and those cages were occupied by people.
Suddenly, we were in the presence of The Harvester and his chainsaw. After a brief exchange of words, his limp-separator rattled to life and we fled through a narrow path as his captives desperately, or perhaps angrily, pushed against the chicken wire that formed the walls of their cell.
Rating: 4.25 stars
“Don’t fall down. If you do, I get the nibbly bits.”
-One of Blot’s, our gracious host, many warnings.