Exit 13 a Livewire of Horror

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It isn’t easy for a haunted attraction to continually improve from season to season, in fact, it’s hard. John and I have found that repeated trips to the same attraction year after year without a break can render even our favorite places a bit stale. 2015 marked the fourth consecutive year that John and I had visited Exit 13 but there was no sign of fatigue; the brazen barbarians who call this place home are determined to rewrite the rule book.

In 2014, Exit 13 was crowned the Horrorlust Haunt of the Year and I had no doubt that the psycho-charged cast would do their utmost to defend that title. We pulled into a packed parking lot and saw a long, winding line of eager faces who had also come to experience Exit 13. Along with John and I was Steve an Exit 13 virgin. No worries though, the freaks inside are expert in the art of popping haunt cherries!

ROCK’EM SOCK’EM HALLOWEEN SPOOKS

Exit 13 was it’s usual self, that is to say, a bad ass blend of in-your-face antics and old school minimalism — no place does it better. The textured walls and expansive environment psyche you out and keep one guessing throughout the dark, winding journey. And then, all of a sudden — you aren’t alone anymore. Dinner is served with a promise of dessert from a southern belle transsexual named Francine and Francine isn’t a shy lass. It’s said that a man’s stomach is the way to his heart and this is true, but I can’t be bought so cheaply (I mean, a single meal? Come on!). While my companions howled with laughter, Francine was denied the kiss she so desired by the timely magic of a hidden door that whisked me into darkness and away from her eager, puckered lips.

Francine wouldn’t be the last femme fatale who took a shine to yours truly, approximately midway through the haunt I was held captive by another woman. This one had a thick eastern European accent and she brandished a bone. I was ordered behind a counter where a second much taller woman stood. My friends were ordered to leave the room which they did without much resistance, traitors.

Meanwhile, Helga and her pet giantess formed a human barrier around me. The giantess was silent but I feared she would be quick to anger and thus I didn’t dare risk rousing her temper with my usual sarcastic comments. Helga, however, spoke at length in that ominous, old world accent. It seemed she had plans for one hell of a soup and she fancied me as the main ingredient. Thankfully, Helga had a change of heart and decided perhaps I was too sweet for her soup. Helga ordered me out of her kitchen. I glanced over my shoulder once more at the mute giantess, she didn’t flinch, she only glowered. I dashed from the pair with expediency on a mission to reunite with my party, but alas, Helga had held me in her clammy clutches for too long. I had no choice but to continue the treacherous trek through Exit 13, alone.

As I navigated the dark passages, I encountered a dead end which had been fitted with a full-length mirror which provided an unexpected startle when a strobe light revealed my own face — it was a serious moment of disassociation that made me feel oddly uncomfortable. Further on ahead I entered an elaborate cemetery and was forced to crawl through a hole in the wall of a mausoleum. On hands and knees, I gingerly progressed through the narrow shaft and all the while I had visions of decomposed hands clutching at my flesh.

Free of the cemetery, I found myself in yet another dark passage when a long-haired patient, atop a gurney, propelled the contraption in my direction. I dodged it but not by much and as a reward for that feat of dexterity I would shortly be roughed up by a pair of malevolent clowns who sent me tumbling through the exit where I was finally reunited with John and Steve.

Rating: 4.25 stars

TOTAL BLACKOUT TRUE TO ITS NAME

Exit 13 had added a second attraction in 2015 — a no frills, blackout maze that was indeed devoid of almost all light. We were greeted at the entrance by a sizable clown who had the curious habit of speaking in two completely different voices. It was as if two separate entities had decided to take up residence in the same body and I got the distinct impression that at least one, if not both, of those personalities had some molester tendencies.

Once he had finished horrifying us into a collective coma, the harlequin slunk off to do what I’m sure were perverse things. We entered Total Blackout and spend a fair amount of time trudging through the blackened halls. There was one point where my hand touched something damp and furry attached to a wall, a conversation about wet, fuzzy muffs ensued briefly. The back-and-forth upset the locals as unseen forces could be heard growling at us from the dark.

Total Blackout has potential to expand and evolve; it can be a great experimental attraction for Exit 13 going forward. Here’s to future zaniness!

Rating: 2.75 stars

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