A Drift on the Darksyde

It was growing late on that windswept, rainy Saturday night; cell reception was spotty at best and we had to make a decision which haunt to hit after departing the Corpse Barn Shock Haunt. The original plan had us heading to Shawhaven Haunted Farm in Mason but that attraction was set to close at 11pm and was more than a half hour drive; the Boneyard in Stockbridge was roughly the same distance too but we feared their respective outdoor events may be closed due to the weather.

With all these factors in place the decision was made for us — our friends at Darksyde would be going strong until 12:30am and thus we departed for the dirt roads of Jonesville. When we arrived it was to find that the rain, if anything, had fell even harder in this neck of the woods but the place was aglow with the signature lights that ring the former pig farm. We snagged up our tickets and made for the entrance of the main attraction — The Catacombs and The Rusthole.

THE CATACOMBS & THE RUSTHOLE SEETHE DEATH & DECAY

The queue area has a presence all its own and there we encountered several old friends — the well-fed Dr. Ick and the sultry Lex Lethal. Group by group were swallowed by the darkness and it wasn’t long before it was our turn to descend into The Catacombs.

We were first assailed by a gangly, long-haired, snarling fellow with a mad glint in his eye — I think Dr. Ick had been stealing his lunch because he hungrily stalked us to the entrance of the tombs. The Catacombs itself seemed to be longer than in years past as a variety of undead creatures screamed, scowled and threatened us along the way.

The storied clown area was put to use again although it was missing some familiar faces. Where was the intimidating Bubbles or his rambunctious brother Pickles?! Absent too was their bushy-haired, incestuous mother as well as the boy’s pale-faced, spunky sister with the dynamite body! Indeed, this quartet had set the bar high during previous visits and while the current infestation of clowns were enjoyable in their own right, they’ll need some time to gel as a group before they can aspire to such lofty heights.

And of course it just wouldn’t be a trip to Darksyde without a mention of provocative haunt hotties who sway and gyrate in shadowed recesses. One of the femme fatales had escaped her cage and was found at a very peculiar angle with one leg hooked over the outside of the cage bars. Let us not forget too, Casey the resident pool dancer, who does her thing in the bowels of The Rusthole to the throbbing sounds of quality rock music.

Rating: 3 stars

CAPTAIN KARCASS, LADY CHOP CHOP SHINE BRIGHT ON DARK ABYSS

When we emerged from oppressive dark of The Rusthole it was to find the night even more chilly and wet; so we sought shelter with the damned souls aboard the Dark Abyss.

We found Captain Karcass in rather jovial spirits although his new first mate was rather burly and unfriendly. The good captain did seem a little short on busty wenches this year; perhaps a few had finally succomb to the cocktail of 17th century diseases that Captain Karcass likes to pass around? However, still aboard was the Queen of the Wenches, the ever-present Lady Chop Chop who was as witty, vivacious and dangerous as ever she was.

Other notable instances aboard the Dark Abyss included a camouflaged creature who gave us a proper scare and an encounter with the tall, gaunt man and a mysterious, unnamed wench who threatened to strangle me with some hanging chains. I was able to buy my mates some time to flee when I caught the sea bound harlot off guard and offered to hang myself.

Rating: 2.75 stars

Once the Dark Abyss had docked and we disembarked, several members of my party required a pit stop and so I wandered the Darksyde Carnivale in search of entertainment. There I watched Ringmaster Baiter (that’s pronounced Bat-E-Aye, you degenerates) eat glass and drive a nail into his nasal cavity.

I couldn’t get a steady signal to my phone and had yet to reconnect with my friends, but the hour was growing late so I beat a hasty path for The Catacombs & Rusthole once more. I talked for a few minutes with the young guy at the front of the queue line who mentioned something very strange indeed. He asked me to let him know if I came across an apparition of a man in a bathtub on the third floor of The Rusthole. I didn’t even know there was a second floor of The Rusthole, let alone a third. His story sounded like something out of The Shining or 1408.

Here I was, set to reenter the attraction all on my lonesome armed with a strange ghost story and fresh goosebumps crawling on my flesh. I later paused near the end of The Catacombs when I encountered that crypt dweller Ricter Mortis, another Darksyde mainstay. I told ole Ricter the tale of the specter and he seemed to snicker at my quest to uncover the truth. He soon added that in order to see the bathtub ghost one must first suck the toes of yet another apparition. This was starting to sound like a lot of work to see one dead dude in a bathtub. I never did come across any spirits but the whole story did get my heart racing at bit faster, especially when I was faced with the dark of The Rusthole by myself.

The adverse weather did put something of a damper on the evening and overall Darksyde Acres felt as if it may have been suffering from a few growing pains, but make no mistake this remains a unique outpost on the haunted landscape. There is immense potential for expansion and there has been some talk amongst ownership of turning that potential into a reality in the not too distant future.

There is a dark magnetism that stalks the grounds and permeates the air of Darksyde Acres and its legend has only just begun to ensnare the hearts and minds of all who dare to visit.

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2 Responses to “A Drift on the Darksyde”

  1. LadyChopChop Says:

    Glad ye were pleased once again. Ah’ll be seein’ ter yer nightmares soon

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