Creepy Crawlers Infest Funeral Home

The fun and lively lyrics of “Time Warp” from Rocky Horror Picture Show delighted our ears as we waited in line to enter the Funeral Home in Inkster. We happened to be the only people waiting in line, an ominous quality crept into the air the longer we stood there — alone. A heavy door stood before us, firmly shut. A singular peep hole was inlaid into the center of the door and we began to get the impression that we were being watched.

No sooner had this unsettling realization crept over us, a voice called out from the other side — a woman, begging for our help. Madison and I weren’t in a helping mood and therefore the stranger’s plea were met only by mild amusement. Suddenly, there was a second voice. This one belonged to a man and he wasn’t happy with the owner of the first voice. We heard the sounds of a struggle and then silence followed once more by the male voice which said to us, “You didn’t hear anything.”

The door swung open with some force and before us stood a stiff in a suit, his skin a bluish gray hue. Silently he took our tickets and with a wave of his arm ushered us into the Funeral Home.

The dead heads inside were amped up the moment we crossed the threshold, after all, a pair of fleshies don’t simply wander into the domain of the dead without attracting a fair amount of attention. Shrieks and catcalls reverberated through the air, a raucous pounding caused the walls to tremble; an utter cacophony of noise exploded throughout the place and accompanied us for the duration of our journey.

The vast majority of the cast wore full face masks just as they had during a visit in 2011; a fact that I bemoaned at the time. I think this haunt would be much more frightening if the cast were in face paint or perhaps even half masks but I’ve come to accept the Funeral Home for what it is. Some actors appeared as horror icons like Michael Myers or Jigsaw’s Puppet while others portrayed a litany of common Halloween staples such as skeletons, clowns, witches, and ghouls.

The rambunctious cast succeeded in many startle scares and displayed fair improvisational skills. Our favorites included a talkative, agile goblin near the beginning of the haunt who lacked an understanding of personal space. We also had a fun exchange with an elderly harlequin who had an interesting collection of toys. Mid-way through the attraction a witch peered down at us from a top a wall and let loose a scream so full of primal rage it was almost comical, her face all aquiver. Elsewhere,  a skeletal creature clawed at us from behind a window and then suddenly appeared around the next turn to confront us face to face (okay, face to skull).

The conclusion of the Funeral Home put a welcome spin on an old troupe, Maddie and I were led into a room were a flash of light offered us a brief glimpse of our surroundings — we weren’t alone. A ghoul with a bloated face was armed with a chainsaw and as the room plunged once more into darkness, his weapon roared to life. I made a conscious effort to drag my feet as to allow my fiendish friend ample time to terrorize my beloved sister-in-law. I believe it took all of two seconds before she she jabbed her hands into my back and urgently yelled, “Go! Go!”

The design of the Funeral Home won’t win any awards and the overall length definitely left a lot to be desired. With those shortcomings in mind the Funeral Home still offered an enjoyable, if not standard, haunted house experience.

Rating: 3 stars

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