Friday the 13th at Darksyde Acres

It’s no secret to the readers of Horrorlust what kind of show you can expect from the cast of Darksyde Acres; over the past two years I’ve written reviews that detailed zany characters and preposterous scenes tantamount to haunt legend. It’s truly a unique frequency on the haunted spectrum, one any thrill seeker would be foolish to ignore. Tucked away in scarcely populated Hillsdale County, on a dirt road in Jonesville, Michigan there is a former pig farm poised to empty your bowels.

CATACOMBS & RUSTHOLE FORM FORMIDABLE DUO

The queue area is interesting and expansive and as always featured a hodge podge of macabre scenery. The burly Dr. Ickk spoke to us about his love for the dead…well mostly his love for dead girls and boy did this guy have a lot of uses for a dead girl. Meanwhile a pair of haunt hotties made threats of sinister showers as they bobbed throughout the line, there was even a mention of an oven. The chatter was as tasteless as it was tantalizing. Elsewhere a proud mother stood with her newborn baby, Char — and I do mean newborn. Mother’s dress was stained with blood, in fact the umbilical cord still connected mother to child!

As it was opening night we were not made to wait long to enter the haunted attraction which is a good thing of course but I do wonder what the queue area must look like when Darksyde Acres is abuzz with a crush of guests. We have failed to visit this location during the peak of the haunt season — in 2011 we stopped by in early October and then the last night of operation in 2012; of course this season it was opening night. If time and the haunt fates should permit, I would very much like to return when Darksyde Acres is positively rip roaring.

The costuming and make-up are two aspects of Darksyde Acres that are excellent — the ghouls and goblins sported everything from vibrant contacts and rotten teeth to wild hair and dingy clothing. The Catacombs housed numerous creepy crawlers, some mocked while others snarled. One unkempt lass informed us that she hadn’t had her shots but expressed an interest in dry humping all the same, deeper into the earthen tomb a skeletal figure dubbed me Giggleshorts after we shared a laugh.

It wasn’t long after I’d earned my new nickname that we met Humpy the Clown and his pet beaver which he implored us to stroke…and we did. Hey, don’t judge us! When the pale-faced ones at Darksyde ask you to do something it has been my experience that it’s best to simply comply. You wouldn’t want to upset them! After we had petted Humpy’s furry friend we entered a door to our right into a room that contained Humpy’s kin. A harlequin hottie skipped silently through the room while the ever rambunctious Pickles let fly a perverted stream of consciousness diatribe. He and his sister seemed to have some unfinished business as the pair squared off as if ready to do battle. Just as we thought a brawl would erupt Pickles lunged at dear ole sis and began using her ample breasts as bongos. He was of course greatly amused with his antics until Humpy entered, approached Pickles from behind and bent him over — that’s when Pickles nearly hit the roof, shouting as he was with glee. He’s a tough one to figure that Pickles.

The Rusthole is as dark and difficult to navigate as ever it was, but it’s here that I feel the haunt could really amp up the scare factor with live actors or perhaps even some tactile effects. This area did however feature several caged vixens who swayed to the delight of many to be sure, it’s also the home of Darksyde Acres professional pole dancer. Yep, they have one of those.

There were a few design changes made to the path this year, perhaps most notable was my personal favorite that utilized a casket for a doorway. There’s still a ton of room to expand here which means that Darksyde Acres is positively brimming with further haunted potential. The actors I’ve noted throughout this review were very good, some of them were even great but there were a few who left something to be desired. As it was opening night that is to be expected, it takes time to shake off those cobwebs and hone that special energy that fuels the haunt season.

Rating: 3 stars

BUSTY, LUSTY WENCHES NEVER BETTER

The Dark Abyss was very well themed, detailed, and well stocked with a cursed crew. We enjoyed some banter with a pair of foliage draped sailors who were found swatting a tethered head to and fro. The duo took a liking to us; indeed they seemed to have a distinct preference for boys in general. They expressed great interest in a game of pink sock. There was also a gangly, imposing fellow who accosted us near the end of the ship who made for a memorable sight.

However, without a doubt the stars of this vicious vessel were the buxom wenches. This gaggle of sultry sirens displayed a touch of bi-polar disorder, flirtatious one moment and then woman scorned the next. The unquestioned leader of the pack is one Lady Chop Chop and this gal meant business. Armed with a meat cleaver she made her wants and desires well known. She often insisted on a game of find-the-bone and when she wasn’t doing that she dared wayward travelers to reach into her honey pot or crow’s nest. Lady Chop Chop was never at loss for a euphemism and loved to engage in word play, her high pitched cackle could be heard throughout the Dark Abyss. She went from sexy to enraged and back again in the same sentence and was truly one of the best characters we’ve come across in all our haunted travels.

Rating: 3 stars

When we had exited the Dark Abyss we wandered over to the midway area where the Darksyde Carnivale had taken up residence for the season. We witnessed a display of sword juggling and fire breathing, and who doesn’t enjoy that sort of thing? As I understand it the midway will also feature a block head, fortune teller, sideshow freaks, and hoopers throughout the haunt season. We also had a chance to meet the owner of Darksyde Acres, Rob Johnson. He was a friendly and hospitable host who even turned us on to a nearby attraction, Ladd’s Evil Acres.

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13 Responses to “Friday the 13th at Darksyde Acres”

  1. Thanks guys once again for coming out to our humble haunted house, Be sure to come out for our season ender 18 and older night…. after the crew has had time to perfect their characters. 🙂 Hope you have a GREAT season, look forward to reading all of your reviews.

  2. LadyChopChop Says:

    Thank ye fer the compliments!! Glad ye enjoyed yer stay. Do come back fer another round of games!

  3. Don’t threaten me with a good time.

  4. Chop Chop leave the nice gentleman alone, According to his mate’ thar barely be ‘ny meat left on tha bone o his.

  5. LadyChopChop Says:

    AH~ Readin’ this again makes me ‘heart swell….if’n ah still ‘ad one tha’ tis. Hehe. Look’n forward ter seein’ ye lads again 😉

    • It’s always nice hearing from you, LadyChopChop. We’re anxiously awaiting the fall as well. Did all of your fellow swashbuckling wenches survive this rough winter?

      • LadyChopChop Says:

        Lucy, poor dear, lost ‘er foot to the cold, but we found ‘er a new one. Ah did kept many warm in me oven and they let me nibble as thanks. Ah still froze me knickers off though. If’n ye find em, let me know.

  6. Down a pair of knickers and one foot? All in all not too shabby. Is Captain Karcass treated you ladies with the respect you deserve?

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